I’m a friend, a key holder, a conduit, a light holder. I am YOU.

It was so loud I could barely hear myself think much less be one of those moments that you would expect to change the direction of your life.

It was an August evening in NY, holding onto a germy, slimy pole in a smelly subway car sardined in between my boyfriend and the city folk heading into Manhattan for an evening of adventure. I wanted the ride to speed up and reach my stop for I knew something big was about to happen. I was not starting my evening, but ending, I was returning from a very different adventure. We were heading back to town to go HOME to our little Barbie Dream Palace  where even my toothbrush was in miniature to save precious space. There was a glow beading on the outer layer of my skin which could have been just sweat due to the equator like temperature on that railcar or more accurately the ooze birthed from anxiety and disappointment escaping from my deepest encapsulated space holding my humbled soul.

I was about to make a life changing choice that would drastically alter the direction of my life.

I just had just come from dinner at a friends with a self proclaimed AMAZING apartment in the Bronx. If you know the city, the Bronx is like traveling across the continent to Alaska (which is cold, so that would have be appreciated in that moment) but in my mindset this friend had ‘made it’ and was a success. It was shocking to me that he and his wife and child shared a one bedroom apartment in a non-accessible, cramped, dark, old space never intended for post 2000 living. I felt cruel with the judgments that flooded over me. I had the realization that “If this is success, then I didn’t want it!”

So on that return trip into the city, I vividly remember reenacting the scene from the Steve Martin movie “The Jerk” where he leaves Bernadette Peters having a verbal diatribe of “ALL I NEEDs” to be happy in life. My boyfriend and I were going down the list of all the material ‘things’ that would bring us joy and satisfaction to create our perfect lives. A grill, a patio, a car… all external desires.

On that ride is where we decided that our chosen professions in the Arts were both the source and obstacle to obtaining the prized key to happiness ….. If we wanted a grill then clearly we were gonna have to move outta NYC.  I’m sure this wasn’t devoid of all logic but it sure was a rash decision on something so bold and permanent. Funny thing, it’s not my style to make quick decisions or give up on something so close my heart like my theater career in exchange for a grill.

As early as my teen years, I fancied myself as a little guru with my peers. I would coach, get into deep philosophical conversations, and talk about infinite possibility. “If there was a will then there was a way” and “reach for the stars, you are bound to go far” would roll of my tongue as often as “I want pizza”.  Another beloved mantra was a phrase that supported the majority of my choices and allowed for big dreams and see them as real possibilities, the mantra was, “If you were your own fairy godmother and had a magic wand, what would you do with it?” Looking back I believe that I had an innate understanding of the laws of attraction and the effects of positive energy. Everything was possible. Yet that night, many years ago my mantra was lost in the literal heat of the moment on the train. I wasn’t trying to create a better life and create opportunities for myself but escape an uncomfortable, unsatisfactory, and fearful experience as a young adult trying to figure out her way.

“When faced with an obstacle most of us choose the path of least resistance to find ease rather then solving the inherent problem at hand…”

15 yrs later, I found myself facing a similar crossroad. To be clear, I have absolutely no regrets on what brought me to this point in my life and zero “if only’s” but still choices had to be made and things had to change. I had the grill, patio and a bonus deck, two cars, two kids, a place in life where I felt happy enough, I felt grateful. Yet the infused image etched in my brain of that girl on the train kept visiting me.

I had a choice, to accept my life ‘as is’ or take my life by the ba#s and say, “I want more!” More depth, deeper intimacies, knowledge.  How easy it is to choose a life where risk, struggle, and creativity are mortal enemies with ease and security. We crave a world to feel as little pain as possible. To want MORE is to energeticly take a leap and accept all that life has to offer. You welcome both the good and the bad and allow for the ups with the downs. I desperately wanted to reacquaint with the girl of the past who still believed in fairy godmothers and magic wands and most of all LOVE. I wanted to be the girl who in spite of fear would say, “I can!” So I re-imagined myself 15 years earlier and got back on that Manhattan bound subway train and said….”I want to choose AGAIN! I want MORE from ME ! I want to reach for my dreams and not let fear over-ride my goals. I am gonna fully realize my life because I CAN….it’s not about the grill anymore!” I truly wanted to experience the fullest expression of life and all its colors. Then, I proceeded to asked myself the hardest questions I have ever asked myself…..”If I had a magic wand, WHAT DO I WANT FOR MYSELF???” I became my own ‘Glinda the Good Witch’ and granted myself a wish.

Like magic, it all came to me from some unknown source, unveiling its wisdom and creativity over the next few months, little by little…..until I realized I was creating something important and I knew it has to be shared…..for it was not mine alone, its audience included all of us.

This is period of time in my life, I affectionately called univerSOULspace, because I believed that something more divine was taking place. Thoughts and ideas were flowing in rapid succession and everything started to gel. I felt I had shifted my mindset, along with that came ideas on several foundational practices based on shared experience, along with my fundamental need to demystify the mystical and make the holistic accessible to all. This is exactly how I saw myself and my purpose in life, to connect the dots for people, all centering around self-expression, depth of connection, and humanistic storytelling.

Looking at my resume as a laundry list I wondered how did it support my quest? Sure, I’ve had a career in the performing arts and traveled the country and abroad. I graduated from a prestigious conservatory. I used my experience to coach and train countless performers. Wrote shows and created programming for music classes. I became a personal and group fitness trainer, a yoga instructor, as well as a huge lover of repurposing living spaces and even consulted on a few projects where I suggested tearing down walls in homes to create wide open spaces. I have always had the fascination of taking something that didn’t work and make it functional and beautiful ...hmmmmmmm a trend? Above all else, I love to learn what makes us connect as a species and help to eradicate what tears us apart. I giggle but I realize I’m consistent in finding multiple ways to helping folks ‘feel’ good on the inside and out.

How do I share UniverSOULspace? What was it going to provide as a service for others?

It would also be natural to ask why would you give me the time of day and listen to my babble about living a life fully realized and share my take on ritualistic practices? Well in all honesty, I ask myself the same question everyday. What do I really know and why should you think that I know any more about the complexity of being human than you do? First of all I don’t, there is nothing intrinsically different about me, I am asking the same questions that every generation has asked before me and looking for the answers to those questions about the human condition; “Why are we here?” “What’s my purpose?” “Could I be the reincarnated soul of Isis?” I guess together we will find out.

So back to that day on the train, I omitted an important part of the story. I remembered that I had a premonition. It lasted for only a moment but profound.  It was a scene with a very different life than I have now. It was of fame and career success but it was also full of emptiness and the people around me were not my family. It was not my soul path to have a huge theatre career, yet I know it was my choice if I wanted it. On the deepest level I knew it was not who I wanted to be, not then or now. I clearly see that my bold choice in the moment cost me the life I had dreamed of, but my intuition lead me straight to life I didn’t know that I wanted.

You see, there are no true mistakes in life only longer rides back to home.

I know who I am….I’m a friend, a key holder, a conduit, a light holder. I am YOU…….are you ready? let’s play!!!!